Be Careful What You Wish For

It’s funny how you can just idley think about something, and wonder “what if??”, even if it’s not serious thinking, or thinking you’d ever put into action, and then it comes back to bite you in the butt.You never think that you’ll react as strongly as you do, you imagine yourself as a person with God-like control over your emotions.
I don’t think I’ve ever felt as strong an emotion as I have these past couple days before. There are trivial things in life that happen that make you think the world is over, when they’re really stupid things such as not being able to go to a concert, or being called in for extra hours at work when you thought you had the day off.
Real things are matters of the heart. My new philosophy is that if it doesn’t affect your heart, it’s not earth-shattering and you can usually ignore it.
As of now, my heart is completely shattered into a billion tiny pieces, and the only person that can fix it seems as cold as ice most of the time.. God, I wish I could turn back time.
What stabs me about it, is that I did every thing I could to make it work. I tried and tried, and I honestly thought I had made things better. Turns out I was only making him miserable. How can that be, how can you make someone you love so much, miserable?? I don’t see how it’s possible, but it is.
I miss the days of laying on my bed, watching movies or just talking about anything and everything. I miss the days when tickling was an occasional flirting thing. I miss the days when I could just smile and hug him and everything would be okay.
I held him through his tears when Seth and Sammy died. We were there for each other on New Year’s when that guy died right in front of us. He listened and was there for me when I was hurting over Rusty not caring anymore. I was there for him when no one else would give hima second glance.
I miss movie nights with popcorn and cuddling. I miss looking forward to the next day when I would see him again, my heart jumping in a good way whenever his name came up on my phone.
I thought things were gonna last forever, I truely did. sure, I knew there were problems, but I knew that as we grew together, and loved each other, we would be able to get through them and stick it out. Thats what it’s supposed to be like.
I thought I had a broken heart before, but I see now that that was just a shadow of what was to come.
He thinks that this is consuming me, that I’m not living my life because of it. But no, I can get through it. I wish I didn’t have to, I wish with all me heart, my soul, my very being that I didn’t have to get through it. But I’m not gonna be total mush. I don’t want him to think that he’s got total control over me and that i’ll keep crawling back day after day, and when and if the time comes that he’ll take me back that I’ll be there with open arms, smiling and laughing, and thanking him. There’s a window of time here that that has a chance of happening. But it’s closing, because if it’s not gonna happen in a timely fashion, I can’t just sit around letting myself be walked all over all the time. If it’s not gonna happen, I’ve got to move on, focus on other things.
I had such a good time at work today, it was amazing. I didn’t think about it except on my break, and when he walked through those front doors and into my memory again. If I need to, I can make it like I’m having the time of my life constantly, and I won’t think about it.
But when I do think about it, yes, it’s hard. I honestly love him with my entire heart, every little peice still loves him individually. That’s not something you heal from easily. But healing and waiting need to be seperate.
He is intwined in the very inner workings of my life, and it’s completely insane to think that he won’t be there anymore.
I keep thinking that this is the worst nightmare i’ve ever had, and that I need to wake up soon, because if i don’t it’s gonna kill me sooner or later.
Then I wake up in the morning, or after drifting off it sleep, and i remember it all over again, and know that it’s real. And thats the most hopeless thought of them all..

If you read this, I want you to know that I still have hope. That door is wide open, and it was gonna be open for a couple of weeks. But you strung me along thinking that this was gonna be over ina couple weeks, until you convinced yourself that the door was closed. I never said it was. I never told you it was. You let yourself think that, and got used to the idea. It’s scary that you got used to the idea so quickly, ’cause it’s gonna take a long time for me to get used to it. Definitely more than the whole of 22 hours (or somthing like that) that it took you.

I love you, and I always will. Just please, stop this pain..

The Silence of The Night

The night is so quiet that I almost wish that someone were awake to keep me company, but at the same time I relish the pure silence that I sit in. It is of course broken by the sound of my own typing, and occasionally a song that I feel an urge to listen to. But those things are different.
This is the silence of solitude. Of no one awake but yourself, no noises that come with the presence of another living being. This, this is the time that I thrive. Normally I consider myself a very social person, but in all truth, I live for these moments.
My greatest ideas come during this time, my aspirations, my urges to do something worthwhile. Sometimes I write, sometimes I clean the entire house, sometimes I make something for someone I love, such as a poem, or a drawing, a book of things that say “i love you”.
In this time, I am free to be myself, with no worries of who is watching and judging, or telling me to do other things with my time. That’s something I have always hated– worrying about people around me. Always trying to be perfect, Miss Sunshine, constantly striving to please and impress. I think that that is what really drags me down most of the time. Why I get so stressed. There are many things in this life that I can deal with, but stress is one of my weaknesses. Let it build up too high, and I’m a complete mess.
But now, in the wee hours of the morning,  the time  where it’s dark outside and even when you strain your ears for any traces of sound, the most you get is the song of the crickets and frogs lulling the world to sleep.
Alas, it doesn’t last long. The space between the night owls finally giving up on alertness and when the early birds decide to start out their day (which i suppose early for them is what late night is for me), isn’t nearly enough time for me to get all I want done in.
And, more likely than not, this one friend I have joins me in sleeplessness, and keeps me company in a way no one else can. He is not physically here, but types away to me from halfway across the US, so he doesn’t disturb my “solitude” most of the time.
He, I think, has learned to read my emotions in just the style of how I write in a way that no one else, even in person, can read me. He is basically my oldest friend. We have, believe me, had our share of differences, but in the end we always end up back here at the computer screen pouring out our hearts to each other. Things are more touchy now, but still basically the same.

I don’t know where I am heading with this, so I am afraid I’m going to cut this blog short. Other things call to me, and I have little time before either day or sleep calls to me.

For now, I sign off.

The Unescapeable Rut

Yesterday I was flying high in the sky, everything seemed to be turning around. For weeks now every little thing imaginable went wrong, and then one little thing changed it. I passed my License test with flying colors . I was soooo excited. So I went and bought a kewl hat and a neon wig (whats a little splurge??).
Then, me, my mom, and my boyfriend all went to Hometown Buffet together and had a real good time. But it all sorta crashed down on me later, when I got the news that my other two best friends both got exactly the jobs that they wanted, after only a week or two of looking.
It all hit me last night. I always thought I was the best, I could manage anything and get anyone to love me right away. My ego was high and I thought nothing could stop me.
Yesterday, I got yet another letter telling me that I had been turned down for a job. Everyone around me is moving on, getting jobs and moving away, or just getting too busy to be bothered with me anymore, and I can’t even land a simple job.. That splurge was the wrong thing to do, ’cause now I’m completely broke. And no job to make up for it. Greeeaaat..
Today, I’ve gotten so low, that I threw myself into cleaning and organizing everything, and actually enjoyed it. I never enjoy cleaning. Ever. Period. And since the only people I’ve actually held onto and not pushed away are moving on with their lives and actually have lives, they don’t have time for me anymore.
I feel lost, alone, ashamed.

What is happening to me?? I thought I could do anything..

The Night

“My breath is ragged as I try to regain control, my palms raw from my fingernails digging into them. Daylight threatens to break through the blinds to mark an end to this night… This night where I fought myself with every ounce of energy and self-control in me. Every bit of my body shook violently with the effort.
It’s been two months now, but it feels like years. Every time, it gets more and more difficult to contain my emotions, the desperate longing that I’m shameful to admit haunts my very being.
Sometimes it seems like a game to him. He taunts me, teases me, makes me beg and shake with want.. And because I respect him I don’t act upon it, waiting for him to make the move, each time knowing I’m to be disappointed, but let down even more because I wouldn’t admit it.
I can’t help but run the scenes over and over in my head, wishing with every bit of my heart that the next time will be different. At last I will be satisfied. Alas, I might as well be wishing for the opposite for the good wishing does me..
My horrible shame threatens to overcome me, for I know that this is an addiction I shall have to overcome. But it is by far more difficult than anything I’ve encountered before.
More than my own weakness, the lack of guilt is what really gets to me. And during those moments where I have to fight myself I have thoughts of just taking what I wanted. In the heat of things he wouldn’t protest, but the aftermath is what would upset him/ And I never want to hurt him…
I listen to his gentle snoring and watch the light of dawn creeping across his face as he lies on my floor, and I know I’m not going to get to rest tonight. It’s too late and my mind and body are too alive to be restrained by the confinement of slumber.
Not a grand way to start the day.. Or, for that matter, the week.
It’s my cross to bear, and I’m growing weary.. My soul looks for escape. I shudder to think of what escape it’s planning for when I collapse.. Hello daylight.. Meet my untouched sheets.”

It’s Just The Beginning

RAIN- Breaking Benjamin

 

Take a photograph,
It’ll be the last,
Not a dollar or a crowd could ever keep me here,

 

I don’t have a past
I just have a chance,
Not a family or honest plea remains to say,

 

Rain rain go away,
Come again another day,
All the world is waiting for the sun.

 

Is it you I want,
Or just the notion
Of a heart to wrap around so I can find my way around

 

Safe to say from here,
Your getting closer now,
We are never sad cause we are not allowed to be

 

Rain rain go away,
Come again another day,
All the world is waiting for the sun.

 

Rain rain go away,
Come again another day,
All the world is waiting for the sun.

 

To lie here under you,
Is all that I could ever do,
To lie here under you is all,
To lie here under you is all that i could ever do,
To lie here under you is all,

 

Rain rain go away,
Come again another day,
All the world is waiting for the sun.

 

Rain rain go away,
Come again another day,
All the world is waiting for the sun,
All the world is waiting for the sun,
All the world is waiting for the sun.

 

This day has been about one of the most horrid days I’ve had this summer. And I don’t even know why. If I explained it all on here, it would probably seem really trivial and stupid, so I won’t go into any details.
Let me tell you, trying to find a job and entering into college is a really hard thing to do when you’re underage.
But I won’t talk about that. I had to live that, and many more things today. Instead I am just going to try to write this blog entirely from my feelings, trying not to add any experiences or examples into it. See how that works out.

This week… It has certainly taken it’s tole on me. The stress inside of me has just built up, the weight of it crushing my ribs, sometimes making it hard to breath. Everyone expecting so much of me, and my confidence failing.. For once, I need a shoulder to lean on. A hand to hold, to lead me through everything for a little while.
I cry out for some help, someone to pull me up out of the dark pool that I’m slowing drowning in, but no one seems to hear. I sink lower and lower, and I can’t seem to swim this time.
Maybe that’s a little bit dramatic. But it’s honestly what I was feeling like today. A million things I was expected to do, basically didn’t get a single thing done. I tried to get help, I tried to get someone to hear me when I was trying to reach out for help, but I was turned down. Even by the one person that I usually can count on. Didn’t even get me soup
There’s a thunderstorm tonight. I want to just run into it, get completely soaked in the rain, be blinded by the lightning, deafened by the thunder. Escape in a world of furious nature, because anything would feel amazing compared to the mounting pressure being put upon me.
I would escape into my world of books, but even the prospect of that seems dim. Re-reading the same books on my shelves over and over has gotten tiring, and it doesn’t capture me as it used to. With no income at the moment, there is never a spare penny for a new book. My escape has been stripped from me.
Another alternative to relieving stress for me, is crafting. Making jewelry. Etc. But everything is such a mess I just can’t get thru all of it to get all the stuff to craft with. I want to just go thru my whole house and throw it all away and start over new. Who knew that I ever needed this much stuff??

*sigh* Enough.

Who wants to go puddle stomping??

Just A Quickie

Considering that I am going to be out of town for the next month and a half starting Wednesday the 18th (randomly will be home.. like the last couple days this months and random days in August), I figured that I’d write a quick blog while I’m in the mood. It won’t be a typical blog of mine, because it is entirely about my day. Wowza! Ha. Just felt like sharing.

So today I had two different alarms set to go off at 8 and 1 minute past 8. This is because I am entirely not a morning person, and I need that type of annoyance to wake me up enough for me to not drift off again.
Sat up, groaned, fell back onto the bed and reached for my cell phone. I dialed the #3 and hit the send button (JP, my bf’s, home phone on speed dial) and someone answered the phone with a whispered “hello?”.
Now, there are three different guys that live in JP’s house. Him, his bro MP, and his dad, BP. I honestly could not tell who it was just from a whisper, so I said “Hey is JP there??” and the whisperer said “yeah” and then there was silence for seriously a minute and a half. And then he whispered again “Hey, M, it’s me!”. And of course I groaned and was disgruntled that he had decided to play that sort of game with me that early in the morning.
I talked to him for a couple of minutes, then confirmed he was coming over at 9:20, then got off the phone and headed to the bathroom. I went pee, then brushed my teeth like 2 times, then straightened my hair.
Then I headed downstairs to contemplate eating something, decided not to, and texted JP while drifting off to sleep again on the couch. My mom decided that that was a convenient time to come downstairs and start yakking my ear off. So I thought it was best to head back upstairs.
I grabbed a pair of my worn, soft, jeans and a tanktop and changed into them while simultaneously deciding to wear flip-flops because I could only find one sock (the rest were in the washer, getting all clean for me to pack for campmeeting).
By then it was about 9:15 so I went downstairs to grab my makeup bag and put on makeup. My brother and mom were downstairs talking, and I waved hello. Then JP walked through the door and was immediately full of energy and lively as he always is– he has ADHD.
He dragged me outside to set off smoke bombs with him, and about 1o minutes later it was time for me to head to the dentist. Joy of joys.
I got there and went right in, and was almost instantly jabbed in the gums with a syringe. The torture had begun.
The whole reason I was there was because a former dentist had goofed up and not put a cap on my tooth 5 years ago when I got a root canal. And my current dentist never put a cap on it. So it was slowly chipping away into nothingness because of stupid, incompetent, over-paid butchers.
My dentist then proceeded to twist the tooth around, drill between the roots, and constantly say “Oops. There goes another chip! I wonder why the tooth isnt coming out??.. There’s gonna be lots of pressure there… Okay, twisting the other way now..”
Now, lemme just get this straight. What he called ‘pressure’ was definitely pressure. Very intensely painful pressure!
I pride myself on being very tolerant of pain, basically nothing can hurt me enough to make me cry. I’ve broken bones, my nose, gotten half a toenail ripped off, several concussions, etc. Never cried.
But during this session of dentistry, I never uttered a sound, but tears were streaming down my face for the last 15 minutes of it. And then he announced that the tooth wasnt gonna come out, that it was attached to my jaw bone, and that I had to go to an oral surgeon instead.
Well no wonder it hurt! Trying to rip a took out of my jaw would be painful. So I was sent home with a prescription for antibiotics and another for Codien. Fun!

And basically after getting home, sending someone out to fill my prescriptions,  then taking Codien, I was sleeping on and off the rest of the day. With the exception of watching Top Chef at 10 and then packing a bit for our big camping trip. It wasnt the greatst day I’ve ever had. I don’t have the best of luck. In fact, I pretty much have horrible luck, especially with doctors and dentists. They always seem to either mess up, hurt me greatly, sound like complete idiots, or never know whats wrong with me.

And I felt like sharing. Doesn’t your day seem so much better now??

My Sister’s Ex Died On The 3rd.

My older sister’s(Mindy’s) ex-boyfriend (who she also lost her virginity to) died on the 3rd, and I just found out about it last night.
Mindy called me around 11 laughing/crying hysterically, so much that i couldn’t understand any word she said for the first few minutes.
She was laughing because the first story she heard about it was that he had ran over his OWN head while like leaning out of the car to pick up something he dropped. Okay, that would have been a little bit funny, but what actually happened was different.
He and a few friends were drunk and horsing around when he unbuckled and lunged at one of his friends to wrestle him, and he ended up flying out of the window and his own friend ran over his head. Like, I’m still in shock. This guy was around for about 3 years starting from when i was 9 until i was 12 when they broke up because he was cheating.
I hated the guy horridly the last year he was around, (he got a 14-yr-old pregnant and forced her to get an abortion.. and now they are married. or at least, she’s an 18 yr old widow..) and I often wished he would die. He molested me when I was 11, and I was scared to tell anyone because he was so horrid and my sister loved him and would have gotten mad at me for ‘lying’ about something like that.
But now that he is actually dead.. It’s kinda like “oh my god, i didn’t mean it!” I mean, I didn’t really want him dead. I wanted him to act better, be a better person!
And now that he’s gone, it’s like I can’t really remember the horrible last year he spent around us. I only remember the first couple years when he was funny, charming, and lovable. It’s hard to remember the bad things.
I ‘m waiting now for things to get back to normal. He’s been out of our lives for years now, this shouldn’t be any different.
It’s just hard to believe he’s gone– by getting run over by a car too!! I always thought the drugs would get him. Or his stupidity would get him murdered or something. Surprising that he died in this way, no surprise that he was drunk.

My sister entered him for a Darwin award. heh, wonder if he’ll win..
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